I have to

For a few weeks now I've been dragging myself around indecisively. I'm keeping myself busy with small stuff: little problems, little emotions, little thoughts, little me. Interactions with my environment downgraded to diversions. Because, I have to jump. I have to do it. There's no other option. There is no turning around and walk away. A cold wind pulls at my clothes, my bones, my movements, my self. It's waiting for me.
It's not that I've never done this before, take the leap and fight my way through gravity, through substance, through me, day and night. But success is far from guaranteed, failure looms ahead with every moment I'm not forcing myself over the edge.
I've done this before, and that's why I already fear. The pressure, the testing, the falling and the struggling to my feet again. Nothing scares me more, when time and energy spent on the good things of life (family & friends, books, music, traveling, dreaming and the working on the true way of life: being curious,...) they all become moments of guilt. Non stop, 24/24 7/7.
Time is running out, and I have to jump.

'Cause I have to do this.

I have to.